What if I don’t like hiking?

How to Make Friends as an Adult Living in Denver, CO

I like hiking just about as much as I like bowling. It’s fun on occasion, but I’m not joining a league and going every week. In Denver, Colorado, this is blasphemy. I moved here in 2021 and was afraid to tell my neighbors and acquaintances that fact. To live in Denver and not care to hike the arguably largest and most beautiful mountain range in the world is considered disrespectful, even foolish. But unfortunately, I’m me. I can’t live someone else’s life and feel at home in it. Through years of therapy and self reflection, I know myself and I’m not a hiker. And that’s okay.

So how do I find friends and make a community for myself in a city full of avid REI shopping - patagonia wearing - kale salad loving - hikers? How does one even make friends in adulthood, regardless of shopping and salad preferences? 

Dale Carnegie  had a theory he described in his 1936 book How to Win Friends and Influence People. In short, he encouraged people to first be a friend (be interested in the other person, remember their name and use it, ask questions, be curious about them) and don’t be afraid to make the first move and invite them to do something with you (we all want to be wanted!). It’s an expansion on Luke’s “treat others as you would like to be treated” written nearly 2000 years ago. 

As it was understood by martyrs in biblical times and by self help authors of the ‘30s, as it is today, if you focus on giving to others, you’ll have an opportunity to receive. 

Former and current people pleasers may at this point be saying to themselves, “But I do this! I give and give and give and get nothing in return.” If that’s you, you may be suffering from what I’m calling the Lazarus Relationship Syndrome, and might benefit from reading the eponymous article below on just that topic. 

But for the rest of us, what does giving look like? For me, I did my best to express my interest in acquaintances clearly, to communicate often, and to invite them to non-hiking activities. You’d be hard pressed to send me to an estate sale where I don’t find GEMS, if GEMS = old, worn, and loved knick knacks (which my husband lovingly calls garbage). I shared my love of all things vintage with a friend at an estate sale. I got to do one of my favorite things and got to know her on the way. 

Win - Win. 

If you find yourself a little more down and out recently, check in on your social life. Loneliness is a major contributing factor to depression, existential dread, and worsened mental health symptoms across the board. If you look around your life and find that your social needs aren’t being met, making friends can be an effective coping mechanism. 

There’s a reason we live in cities, have families, roommates, and romantic partners - we need people! We are human. We have a biological need to be seen, known, and loved. 
You deserve love. 
Love yourself enough to develop your social circle and watch how much can change.