Lazarus Relationship Syndrome

Not so Helpful Habits: Resurrecting Relationships from the Dead

Do you find yourself giving and giving, often to just end up feeling exhausted and alone? You might be attempting to resurrect relationships that have passed their expiration date. 

All relationships are temporary. Your relationship with a beloved teacher lasts only as long as the semester. Girlfriends and boyfriends break up. Friends move. People in your life get married, have kids, or start businesses and get so busy you barely speak. Even a beautiful marriage, that lasts “‘til death”, leaves one person in the heavens and the other here on earth, alone again. No relationship lasts forever. 

It’s the natural course of life. It seems, people grow together or they grow apart. But when you’re in the thick of it, it can be quite difficult to determine whether any given relationship or friendship is adding value to your life or if it may be dragging you down.

Without a doubt, long term friendships and romantic relationships take work. In my opinion it's a near daily decision to work on nurturing the relationship, or it will end, whether we want it to or not. 

So how can you tell the difference? What’s the difference between a relationship that has run its course and a relationship that can stand the test of time but might need some elbow grease?

This looks different for everyone, but for me, my primary source of clarity comes from my body. Our bodies provide us with a ton of information. Whether or not we’re hungry, full, tired, alert, afraid, relaxed, and so much more. When we work toward connecting with our physical bodies, we can become more connected with ourselves and therefore what we want and need. If we know ourselves well enough, we have a chance to find relationships that help us to live a happier and healthier life. You may want to ask yourself, what does your body tell you when you’re with this person? What is going on physically that could provide some information about how you feel about the relationship as a whole?

Secondarily, it is helpful to pay close attention to both the words AND  actions of the person you are in a relationship with. People show you who they are. If you make an effort to notice not only who they say they are but who they show themselves to be, you’ll have nearly all the information you need. One helpful question to consider is, when you communicate a need, does this person promise to change, or do they make changes?

As a seemingly natural born people pleaser, I have a tendency to get into relationships and friendships with people who I feel “need” me. Indeed, it is fulfilling for me to give to others in their time of need, but when I give and give and never receive, my cup feels empty. I become resentful. I’ve found myself in friendships where I feel like I’m resuscitating the relationship over and over. I keep the emotional defibrillator on hand at all times and shock the relationship back to life as soon as its pulse starts to flatline. But what if the signs of a relationship dying are what lets us know we need to pull back? To do less and see if the other person involved is able to provide the relationship with what it needs to survive?

All relationships require both parties involved to tend to it, to take care of it, keep it alive, growing and healthy. If that responsibility falls on or is taken up by only one person, they necessarily get worn out. If that’s you, try taking a step back. 

If you always initiate contact with a friend and you find yourself feeling bitter about it, make an effort to stop texting for a period of time and see if they are attuned enough to your needs to notice and change their behavior. This experiment can give you an idea of what kind of friend this person can be right now. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person, but it does provide you with information about how in sync you are and how well you can meet each others’ needs. 

This experiment is not a replacement for good communication. Most of us don’t realize our impact on others, good or bad. Generally, we want to be a good friend, a good partner. But maybe we don’t know what that looks like for you. Communicating with your friend or partner about what the relationship  looks like from your perspective and expressing what you need directly is the best way to meet your needs. However, if you feel like you have communicated your needs several times and still are wondering if that communication is going to lead to a change, the aforementioned experiment can help you find out. 

In the bible, John details a story of Jesus resurrecting a man, Lazarus, from the dead. Although He was able to do that successfully, the rest of us will likely find our efforts to be less fruitful. If your relationship reeks with the stench of decay, perhaps it has died. Perhaps it’s okay to lay it to rest. To appreciate the relationship for what it was, to recognize what it is now, and let it go.

Perhaps in letting go, you can create more space for relationships that give you life. That brighten your day. That make you feel loved and cared for. 
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Every relationship is different. Consider seeing a therapist to help you process your feelings and your particular relationship patterns to find solutions that work for you.