How to Make Friends as an Adult Living in Denver, CO I like hiking just about as much as I like bowling. It’s fun on occasion, but I’m not joining a league and going every week. In Denver, Colorado, this is blasphemy. I moved here in 2021 and was afraid to tell my neighbors and acquaintances that fact. To live in Denver and not care to hike the arguably largest and most beautiful mountain range in the world is considered disrespectful, even foolish. But unfortunately, I’m me. I can’t live someone else’s life and feel at home in it. Through years of therapy and self reflection, I know myself and I’m not a hiker. And that’s okay.
So how do I find friends and make a community for myself in a city full of avid REI shopping - patagonia wearing - kale salad loving - hikers? How does one even make friends in adulthood, regardless of shopping and salad preferences? Dale Carnegie had a theory he described in his 1936 book How to Win Friends and Influence People. In short, he encouraged people to first be a friend (be interested in the other person, remember their name and use it, ask questions, be curious about them) and don’t be afraid to make the first move and invite them to do something with you (we all want to be wanted!). It’s an expansion on Luke’s “treat others as you would like to be treated” written nearly 2000 years ago. As it was understood by martyrs in biblical times and by self help authors of the ‘30s, as it is today, if you focus on giving to others, you’ll have an opportunity to receive. Former and current people pleasers may at this point be saying to themselves, “But I do this! I give and give and give and get nothing in return.” If that’s you, you may be suffering from what I’m calling the Lazarus Relationship Syndrome, and might benefit from reading the eponymous article below on just that topic. But for the rest of us, what does giving look like? For me, I did my best to express my interest in acquaintances clearly, to communicate often, and to invite them to non-hiking activities. You’d be hard pressed to send me to an estate sale where I don’t find GEMS, if GEMS = old, worn, and loved knick knacks (which my husband lovingly calls garbage). I shared my love of all things vintage with a friend at an estate sale. I got to do one of my favorite things and got to know her on the way. Win - Win. If you find yourself a little more down and out recently, check in on your social life. Loneliness is a major contributing factor to depression, existential dread, and worsened mental health symptoms across the board. If you look around your life and find that your social needs aren’t being met, making friends can be an effective coping mechanism. There’s a reason we live in cities, have families, roommates, and romantic partners - we need people! We are human. We have a biological need to be seen, known, and loved. You deserve love. Love yourself enough to develop your social circle and watch how much can change. Not so Helpful Habits: Resurrecting Relationships from the Dead Do you find yourself giving and giving, often to just end up feeling exhausted and alone? You might be attempting to resurrect relationships that have passed their expiration date.
All relationships are temporary. Your relationship with a beloved teacher lasts only as long as the semester. Girlfriends and boyfriends break up. Friends move. People in your life get married, have kids, or start businesses and get so busy you barely speak. Even a beautiful marriage, that lasts “‘til death”, leaves one person in the heavens and the other here on earth, alone again. No relationship lasts forever. It’s the natural course of life. It seems, people grow together or they grow apart. But when you’re in the thick of it, it can be quite difficult to determine whether any given relationship or friendship is adding value to your life or if it may be dragging you down. Without a doubt, long term friendships and romantic relationships take work. In my opinion it's a near daily decision to work on nurturing the relationship, or it will end, whether we want it to or not. So how can you tell the difference? What’s the difference between a relationship that has run its course and a relationship that can stand the test of time but might need some elbow grease? This looks different for everyone, but for me, my primary source of clarity comes from my body. Our bodies provide us with a ton of information. Whether or not we’re hungry, full, tired, alert, afraid, relaxed, and so much more. When we work toward connecting with our physical bodies, we can become more connected with ourselves and therefore what we want and need. If we know ourselves well enough, we have a chance to find relationships that help us to live a happier and healthier life. You may want to ask yourself, what does your body tell you when you’re with this person? What is going on physically that could provide some information about how you feel about the relationship as a whole? Secondarily, it is helpful to pay close attention to both the words AND actions of the person you are in a relationship with. People show you who they are. If you make an effort to notice not only who they say they are but who they show themselves to be, you’ll have nearly all the information you need. One helpful question to consider is, when you communicate a need, does this person promise to change, or do they make changes? As a seemingly natural born people pleaser, I have a tendency to get into relationships and friendships with people who I feel “need” me. Indeed, it is fulfilling for me to give to others in their time of need, but when I give and give and never receive, my cup feels empty. I become resentful. I’ve found myself in friendships where I feel like I’m resuscitating the relationship over and over. I keep the emotional defibrillator on hand at all times and shock the relationship back to life as soon as its pulse starts to flatline. But what if the signs of a relationship dying are what lets us know we need to pull back? To do less and see if the other person involved is able to provide the relationship with what it needs to survive? All relationships require both parties involved to tend to it, to take care of it, keep it alive, growing and healthy. If that responsibility falls on or is taken up by only one person, they necessarily get worn out. If that’s you, try taking a step back. If you always initiate contact with a friend and you find yourself feeling bitter about it, make an effort to stop texting for a period of time and see if they are attuned enough to your needs to notice and change their behavior. This experiment can give you an idea of what kind of friend this person can be right now. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person, but it does provide you with information about how in sync you are and how well you can meet each others’ needs. This experiment is not a replacement for good communication. Most of us don’t realize our impact on others, good or bad. Generally, we want to be a good friend, a good partner. But maybe we don’t know what that looks like for you. Communicating with your friend or partner about what the relationship looks like from your perspective and expressing what you need directly is the best way to meet your needs. However, if you feel like you have communicated your needs several times and still are wondering if that communication is going to lead to a change, the aforementioned experiment can help you find out. In the bible, John details a story of Jesus resurrecting a man, Lazarus, from the dead. Although He was able to do that successfully, the rest of us will likely find our efforts to be less fruitful. If your relationship reeks with the stench of decay, perhaps it has died. Perhaps it’s okay to lay it to rest. To appreciate the relationship for what it was, to recognize what it is now, and let it go. Perhaps in letting go, you can create more space for relationships that give you life. That brighten your day. That make you feel loved and cared for. Every relationship is different. Consider seeing a therapist to help you process your feelings and your particular relationship patterns to find solutions that work for you. How these Acronyms Can Help You to Find the Mental Health Treatment You’re Looking for According to TV, therapists and psychiatrists have you lie down on a couch, talk about your deepest thoughts and feelings, and then end up manipulating you or at least having horrifically poor boundaries that serve to only add drama and advance the plot. To add another acronym to the list, that’s total BS. Television’s depiction of mental health professionals is embarrassing and entirely inaccurate. In reality, therapists and other mental health professionals are just that, professional. They often serve as a model for what healthy boundaries look like. This article gives you the scoop on what different types of mental health professionals do and can help guide you to the right clinician to help meet your needs.
Therapists: LPC, PSY D, LCSW, LAC, LMFT & more Talk therapists, or as they’re often called, therapists or psychotherapists, are not to be confused with other forms of therapy, such as physical therapy (where physiotherapists walk you through exercises to heal your physical body from illness or injury), occupational therapists (who help you to learn or relearn activities of daily living), or respiratory therapists (who help to assess and manage breathing problems). In the mental health world, "therapy" refers to the various ways that a licensed professional talks with you and helps guide you to wellness. Individuals become therapists by completing a 4 year undergraduate degree and a 2-4 year masters or doctoral degree, often in psychology, social work or counseling. There are many different types of therapy that therapists utilize. Some focus on behavioral changes and provide specific actions and sometimes even homework to help you change behaviors that are getting in the way of wellness (such as CBT, DBT). Others focus on giving you space to explore yourself and find your own direction (e.g. existential therapy, gestalt therapy). There are many different types of therapy that can be effective for various types of mental health issues. I usually recommend prioritizing your relationship with the therapist over their license type (e.g. LPC vs LCSW, etc.) or the therapy type (CBT vs DBT, etc.). If you connect with the person and find yourself making progress over time, stick with it. On the other hand, if you find yourself not connecting with your therapist (after 3-4 sessions) or not making progress (after 6-9 months), you may want to try talking with your therapist about these issues or consider finding another therapist. Therapists are great at getting to know you well and recognizing when you might benefit from medication in addition to talk therapy. Therapists regularly refer their clients to be assessed by medical providers for diagnosis and treatment of mental illness. Medical Providers: MD, DO, PA, NP Medical providers such as medical doctors (MDs), doctors of osteopathy (DOs), physician assistants (PAs) and nurse practitioners (NPs, like me!) are all able to prescribe medication relevant to their particular medical specialty. To work in mental health, MDs and DOs generally complete a 4 undergraduate degree, 4 years of medical school, and 4+ years of a residency program that trains them in their specialty. Doctors are great for complex cases and for those who want care provided by the clinicians who have completed the highest level of education. Physician assistants complete a 4 year undergraduate degree and generally a 2 year master’s degree which allows them to partner with physicians and work alongside them to provide care for their patients. You’ll often see PAs in large private practices and hospitals. Nurse practitioners have completed an undergraduate degree in nursing which allows them to become a Registered Nurse, or RN, and then a 2-4 year master’s or doctoral degree which allows them to become a Nurse Practitioner or NP. It varies state to state, but in Colorado, Nurse Practitioners are able to practice to the full extent of their education and licensure, and like doctors, manage patients independently. A common misconception is that nurse practitioners and registered nurses or licensed practical nurses are the same, but each have different roles and educational backgrounds. I'll leave the discussion of RNs vs LPNs for another time and instead focus on the difference between RNs and NPs. Registered nurses are the backbone of the healthcare system. You’ll find psychiatric RNs in medical practices and hospitals, completing nursing assessments and administering medications. RNs play an important role, but with this licensure alone, they are not able to prescribe medications. Nurse practitioners have an RN license as well as an Advanced Practice nursing license, and they obtain board certification in their specialty, which gives them the NP title and ability to diagnose and treat patients with medications. Regardless, of title or degree, these medical professionals are able to prescribe and manage psychiatric / mental health medications. They are experts at diagnosing mental illness and finding evidence-based medical treatments. Some mental health conditions require medication treatment, others can be treated by other means such as lifestyle interventions, talk therapy, and exercise, though I would argue, all are helped by these practices. Medical providers do a great job of letting you know if and when you need medication and when you might benefit from therapy. All psychiatric medical providers receive varying degrees of training in therapy themselves. In the community, you’ll find that some clinicians provide therapy AND medication management, others may choose to do one or the other. I usually recommend my patients see a therapist in addition to meeting with me. Though I provide solution focused and other forms of brief psychotherapy, I find that people generally make more progress when I manage their medications and discuss the basics like coping strategies and tips for wellness that support the work they are doing with a therapist. I find therapists to be very effective in addressing deep seeded issues such as trauma or long term behavioral patterns that they wish to change. Life Coaches and other unlicensed professionals: Western medicine’s approach to mental health treatment is by no means the only way to wellness. Many people find that dedicated life coaches help them to work through problems and make progress toward their goals. Others find religious leaders to serve as a helpful guide. Some find eastern medicine techniques or alternative medicine treatments such as herbal remedies to be healing. Of course, we can't leave out our communities, which often serve the largest role in helping us through difficult times. Our family, friends, and neighbors usually don't have a professional license, but are integral in our recovery from illness. There are downsides to the western medicine approach just as there are downsides to a more informal or unlicensed approach. Licensed therapists and medical providers are required by state or federal boards to provide evidenced based treatment. If we ever step out of that and don’t uphold the standards of the field, we could lose our licenses and no longer be able to work. There’s a built in system to push people out who are not doing what they need to do. It’s not a perfect system, but it helps. Unfortunately because there are no licensing boards for life coaches, there are no checks and balances if they don’t provide good care. The only limit is their ability to market away a scandal or bad Google review. Unlicensed healers and helpers can be great, but I encourage you to be extra cautious when someone sells magic bullet treatments, cure-all courses, and other versions of what could very well be snake oil. I hope this provides some information about what the various types of mental health professionals do. Call the clinic for a psychiatric assessment to see what mental health treatment could be right for you! 720-254-1771 |
AuthorHilary Holmes is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner in Denver, Colorado. ARCHIVESDISCLAIMERThis blog is not meant to be medical advice . This is for educational purposes only. It does not substitute for seeing a medical professional. Please consult a healthcare provider for diagnosis and treatment recommendations.
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